Of Mice and Men

"The heart of man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps." ~Proverbs 16:9

"And we know that in all things, God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose." ~Romans 8:28

There was a time, about a month and a half ago, when I was really uncertain about my resignation as music director for our church. I prayed about it, I sought much wise counsel, and I turned my reasons over and over in my heart. In the end, I felt that the Lord was affirming my decision to step down, and so I did. But there was always this nagging feeling of letting the church down, of failing to use my gifts to God's glory, and a variety of other guilt responses. Basically, I felt like I was being dishonest because, technically, there were still enough hours in my day for me to fulfill the responsibilities of music director.

The stress level was another story.

But I was so torn because if I possess the ability and have the time, then what should stop me from working in ministry? I love the Lord, and my great passion for the church flows from my passion for her Master. How could I let them both down by bailing out on the music ministry?

God began to speak to me about calling, about gifts, and about spreading myself too thin. Didn't He call me to a doctoral program in clinical psychology? Didn't He bless me with the exact combination of gifts, strengths and weaknesses that I possess? Why am I questioning the wisdom of others who know me and believe I would be right to lessen my workload?

Standing now on the other end of my first month as a church nobody (I kid), I realize that it has been a most gracious gift from the Lord - a time of spiritual rest and refreshment on the Lord's Day rather than a time of stress and work. There is certainly a place for ministry work, and there is no doubt that I will one day exercise my musical gifts in a church again, but for now...it is good to just be in the presence of the Lord and to breathe deeply of His goodness.

Of course I miss playing, and I hope that Miss Kelsey will let me sit at the piano one of these days. And of course the transition has had its ups and downs. Some weeks I am so distracted, and others it's as though God nails me right between the eyes with His grace and His Word. But overall, I am learning to be content and to be thankful that the Lord knows what He's doing. He has affirmed my need for this break from ministry, such that I can't imagine myself continuing to try to manage the church's music right now. The Lord knows that we need rest, and regardless of what my heart's motivation was when I resigned, He knew that I needed to step down at that time. Thank God that He knows all my anxious thoughts and works for my (ultimate) good in spite of them! This time the good really felt like good...that's not always the case, but may I always rejoice in my portion from the Lord.