It has been far too long since I blessed you with the inner workings of my brain. Loyal fans, I have heard your cries. I hope you will not be too disappointed as you read on.
Summer break (post-comps, that is - which you know all too well that I passed) has brought with it a steady stream of visitors to our door. We've had the pleasure of hosting the Hardiskys, an Aitken, the Wallins, Steele parents, Pearces (& Jonny the Donut Fiend), Kayes, and soon the Pearce parents. The Lord is, shall we say, increasing the gift of hospitality in our home. And it is upon this topic - and domesticity as a whole - that I wish to elaborate.
So. Here I am commencing my fourth year of a five-year doctoral program, and what is the longing of my heart? Is it for graduation, with a 2' x 3' diploma and full regalia to show for five years and $85,000(ish) (and that's just tuition)? Okay, a little bit. Is it for the launch of a successful career as a psychologist and more than doubling our income so we can pay off this mountain of debt? Well yeah, that too.
But overwhelmingly the actual desire of my true heart is to wash my hands of all this career stuff and devote myself to wifeliness and motherhood. Where do I see myself in ten years? Let's just say the ideal vision involves a frilly apron, dinner in the oven, and at least three orderly, well-behaved little ones quizzing each other on the Catechism for Young Children.
Did I mention, SIGH?
Oh I'm glad that I'm pursuing this higher education stuff. And it's not that I want out because it's so stressful (although it surely is). I fully intend to finish out this grueling ride called graduate school. It will be good to have a vocation post-children, something to fill my time and provide extra income as the children get older. But contrary to most other people, even women, in my program, I cannot convince myself to be as uber-competitive and cutthroat because it's really not the most important thingin my life. I'm so ambivalent about the priority of school - I do want to finish the program in as little time as possible to be done with it, which means I need to be competitive and competent to match for internship, which means school and clinical opportunities need to be a priority...but then, I would SO much rather be done with it now and start a family.
Did I say that?
Something else that didn't help was having a group of ladies over last week to watch Sense and Sensibility while sipping tea and munching on scones and other delectables. Spending several hours surrounded by that much estrogen and immersed in a time when beautiful women kept house, tended garden, and were protected and rescued by gallant men who knew the meaning of chivalry...it has ruined me for the 00's (the current ones) and its expectation for women to aspire to be....men.
We touched on this at our marriage Bible study (as mom would say, "marriage B.S.") last night, which focused on the Biblical role and purpose for women. This was a great study and might be the topic of a future post (since I am on a domesticity kick, after all). But it highlighted what is broken about our view of women today - we have such a low view of femininity that we expect women to aspire to masculinity instead.
But I am realizing that I desire to be a woman. My priority is my home; I love my husband and eagerly anticipate our future children. I am competent and ambitious, but I am learning that those qualities can and should be channeled first toward managing our household. I'll talk more about femininity and womanhood in another post, but suffice it to say that these are what I was created for. Old-fashioned? Perhaps. But it is God who fashioned women so, even if it took me til now to discern His intention and purpose for us. I'm not sure you can really criticize that.
2016 Books: 3Q
1 year ago