Getting Brighter...

I know it's there, and now I can see it shining dimly in the distance, growing brighter and drawing nearer with every checkmark on my to-do list.

The Light at the End of the Tunnel!

A very wise father-in-law once remarked that you shouldn't get off the train in the middle of the tunnel. Which is probably great advice, because the last thing you want when you are considering throwing yourself from a train is to become badly maimed AND unable to find your way out of a dark, scary place. The perfect analogy for doctoral school, don't you think?

But it really was a great piece of guidance. When things are looking bleak and black and endless, there is nothing quite so helpful as a reminder that this, too, has come to pass. Grad school has not come to stay, thankfully, but is a season of my life that will be over really pretty quickly. I'm not sure at this point whether to say "all too soon" or "not soon enough"...I think there are elements of both perspectives going on here.

To return to my original point, that gleaming beacon of hope called graduation has just moved, nay LEAPT light-years closer within the past few days.

It's called Comprehensive Exams. And it is very, very dark and scary...I would go so far as to say that this obstacle to my doctoral candidacy has represented the very epitome of darkness and terror as it has loomed for three years over my educational path. And IT IS OVER!!!!!!

PRAISE the LORD in the highest heavens. And THANK YOU to those who have been earnestly and steadfastly covering my Comps experience in many layers of prayer! I can honestly say that never before have I felt so at peace concerning something so significant and daunting. This was a test that, if failed, had the potential to stop my doctoral training in its tracks. There's an opportunity for a re-take in six weeks, but after that you have to wait until next summer to try again. Talk about some far-reaching implications! But the Lord is so good, and I would love nothing more than to testify to His grace and sovereignty in the past few days.

The morning of comps dawned (far too) bright and early. Before I rolled out of bed, I lay awake for a few minutes and contemplated the task before me. And I prayed. Oh, how I prayed. But it wasn't the desperate prayer that might have been expected. Rather, I committed the day to the Lord and surrendered my test performance to Him. I said Lord, You alone are sovereign in my life, and You alone hold sway over my future. Whatever the outcome of this exam, may it be to Your glory.

And with that, the greatest sense of peace swept over me. I am just amazed at how serene and ok I felt going into Comps that morning! Of course my mind would dance around vague thoughts of how incredibly important this test was, but I didn't really have fear of not doing well. And I don't attribute that to any great feats of preparation on my part! Rather, I believe God was allowing me to rest in His grace and provision. I really trusted that if the Lord had called me to be a psychologist and has brought me this far, surely He would not abandon me to my own devices on Comps day!

The research question was a slightly different story. There was a period of about ten minutes prior to receiving my personalized research question from my dissertation chair when I thought I was seriously going to need to leave the room to throw up. Fortunately that feeling passed, and truly the Lord exercised His good grace over my research question because it was closely related to my dissertation, as hoped, and I felt relatively confident in my ability to draft a research proposal completely from memory, citing relevant studies and formulating appropriate hypotheses and methodologies. Phew.

Looking back, it is so evident through my feeling of peace both before and after the day of examination that I was completely and thoroughly soaked with the prayers of God's people. No other explanation could begin to account for the smoothness with which I moved through the most taxing experience of my life. Indeed, thanks to the Lord's watchcare it didn't even feel that taxing. It was really very hard, and my brain almost exploded, but at the same time I felt really ok. If that makes any sense at all.

So thank you to you faithful prayer warriors. My loving husband, Mom and Dad (both sets!), Scott and Becca, Brittany, Jess and Natali, Barb and Bill, Ken, Joe, to only just scratch the surface of the army of believers raising prayer on my behalf. I'm so encouraged and humbled by your efforts on my behalf. Be assured that the Lord was faithful to honor your prayers!

Just one last task left, and that is an integration "essay" (read: 12-40 page paper ["some people can answer the questions in only 12 pages, others have written closer to 40"]) that we have 48 hours to complete and turn in. I should probably be working on that right now. But I just couldn't wait to share with all three of you how good the Lord has been. And also there may be just a teeny bit of avoidance going on...which is a defense mechanism that has been triggered by my anxiety, and helps me avoid feeling overwhelmed by having to write this huge paper in only 2 days. It also might be a form of self-handicapping, wherein if I procrastinate long enough then I can attribute poor performance to my procrastination rather than to my inability to write a good essay. But you didn't need to know all that. But I DID YESTERDAY. Booyah, Comps.