Therapeutic Self-Centeredness

Perhaps this one will be a true "musing"...

If you've read my most recent posts (though not terribly recent, I'm sorry to observe), then you're likely aware of my position as a psychology intern and therapist extraordinaire at a local hospital. I've enjoyed my unique (read: lonely) perspective as a Christian psychologist, poised to catch those moments in which psychology and faith intersect. Usually, the crossroads are sublime. Sometimes they are not. This is a musing about the latter.

Therapy is sort of an individual thing. Even in group therapy, the focus is on improving yourself, building your coping and interpersonal skills, learning how to overcome your depression/anxiety/self-pity/mass media-induced neurosis. Accordingly, self-esteem is paramount. Therapists exhort clients ad nauseum to use positive self-talk, make a list of positive qualities about themselves, identify strengths and successes, disregard the opinions and past abuses of others. And there is merit to this, in the sense that no person was intended to be a doormat, nor deeply and permanently depressed.

But the opposite of, and cure for, self-loathing is not self-worship. I don't believe the answer to low self-esteem is to build a shrine to self and lie there prostrate. How I want to scream this to my clients, even as I listen to my co-therapist encourage a group of used, abused, weepy-eyed, self-flagellating women (we had a gender-homogeneous group today) to put themselves first. These women roll out their laundry lists of thankless tasks: cleaning, cooking, caring for the kids, putting up with a sour (at best) relationship, enduring emotional havoc from aging parents. They pour themselves out daily for others and are realizing that this is draining, impossible to sustain indefinitely.

As I listen, I hear much of what is biblical about femininity: nurturing, caring, raising children, having a sensitivity to the emotions and behaviors of others. To an extreme, perhaps, and many of these women do not know how to set boundaries or to say no when it might be appropriate. I also hear much that is biblical concerning the human experience: it stinks sometimes to live in a fallen world among fallen people. And sometimes we feel ugly in our own skin.

I agree with secular psychology on one point: the answer requires a drastic re-aligning of priorities. But it is not a re-aligning that places the self in the top position. Far from it! Fulfillment will never - not EVER - come from selfishness, even well-intentioned selfishness designed to salve a wounded ego.

Rather, the answer is in reorienting ourselves so that our primary and ultimate allegiance is to the One who created us to be women (and men) bearing His image. My spirit resonates with the struggles of these women: I, too, feel the pressures of balancing a home and work, of pushing myself to sort the laundry when I don't feel like it, of cooking meals when I'm tired, of cleaning things that I'll never be thanked for. But I do believe that many of these tasks are at the heart of what it is to be a woman: a suitable help-mate for a man. I do not find the strength to do these things through scheduling regular bubble baths and pedicures (though those are nice when they happen), nor by washing my own clothes and dishes and letting the rest of the house go to pot (that was an actual suggestion today, to show the rest of the family what an important job she does). I find the strength to do these things through worshipping my God and believing His word that He created me to serve and to nurture. I find fulfillment in the thankless because I do all to the glory of God, not to the glory of me or my husband. I feel worthwhile because charm is deceptive and beauty fades, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.

I wonder if our therapies are rendered less effective because we emphasize the self so heavily, to the exclusion of considering other, higher priorities. Ironically, our therapeutically self-centered culture is making us all the more neurotic because we can never raise our self-esteem high enough - until it is too high, and then we have a whole different set of pathologies.

Yes, we are to see value in ourselves and in our work. But that value is to flow from the ultimate worth-ship of our Creator, who created us in His image and declared that, behold, we are very good. And we are to always remember that our value is only because He has made it so: apart from His grace, we are in a state of abject wretchedness. The women in my therapy group are only feeling the reality of their condition! When my self-esteem is low, I return to the truths of Scripture and believe, even when my heart doesn't feel like it. I believe that God is God, and I am not. I believe that I ought to esteem myself lowly. And I believe that by His good pleasure and grace, He has placed me a little lower than the angels, nay, has clothed me in the righteousness of His Son and adopted me as a co-heir of heaven.

How could listing my positive qualities, filthy rags such as they are, possibly compare with the inestimable riches and beauty of the crown of life? What positive self-talk could I possibly craft to encourage me more than to say I am a daughter of El-Shaddai? When my spirit groans in this fallen world, may I not yield to therapeutic self-centeredness, but may the Lord help me to cast my eyes heavenward, to cry "Come quickly, Lord Jesus!" and to be faithful by His grace until He does.

Gender Bender in the Military

Dr. R. Albert Mohler, Jr. posted an article yesterday commenting on the present state of gender policy in our military. As a Christian who believes in Biblical gender roles, I found Dr. Mohler's perspective to be both intriguing and concerning. A few excerpts:

A nation's moral character is revealed in the way it fights its wars. This report, filled with documentation, reveals that our nation's moral character is now being redefined before our eyes. If it is true that a majority of the American people affirm their readiness to see women "join combat units, where they would be directly involved in the ground fighting," the American people are demonstrating their disregard for the moral wisdom of the ages. The nation is forfeiting the responsibility of men to act as protectors of women, and acquiescing to the failure of men to fulfill their duty.

* * * * *

When women are injected into combat, the dignity of women is undermined. In the extreme conditions of combat, women are exposed to the very worst that human beings can do and a physical violence that exceeds the imagination. There is no shortage of arguments against this practice. Biological arguments document differences of physical strength and stamina. Psychological arguments consider not only the psychological profile of women in combat but the difference the presence of women makes on men fighting alongside them.

* * * * *

Are we a nation ready to admit that our men must be accompanied by women on the battlefield? Are we ready to break down the necessary lines of respect between men and women? Is this really who we are? Will Americans look the other way and refuse to see this quiet circumvention of morality? Far more than the future of the military is at stake.

* * * * *
* * * * *

Dr. Mohler presents practical as well as moral arguments against women serving in active combat alongside men. The whole article is worth the few minutes of time it will take to read its entirety.

As a fairly assertive, perhaps strong-willed (I've been told) woman, part of me feels as though I should support the feminist goal of equality with men in the military, as in all areas of life. But it seems to me that equality in worth does not necessitate fulfilling all of the same roles (I know, I know, no new territory here, fellow Reformed Christians). I am perfectly content to be a high achiever in academia and psychology, to be a student of theology and music, and to increase my skill at tasks required to make my house a home. I can excel at many things while accepting my God-given role as a woman, as one who is to be protected and honored, generally a receiver rather than an initiator, and primarily a homemaker rather than a provider.

There are always occasions for these gender roles to be bent out of necessity, but as a general rule, this is where the Lord has created me to be - by a man's side, yet behind him in order to be led and protected. The dominant side of my personality finds that this is a wonderfully challenging role, as God conforms my spirit in submission to both Him and to my husband. For many women, it is difficult to submit to the authority and leadership of men. For many men, it is easier to allow the strong women around them to take charge than to do the hard work themselves of leading, providing, and protecting.

This indeed is at the heart of the curse on all creation: The Lord said to Eve, "Your desire will be for your husband, but he will rule over you" [Genesis 3:16]. I read once that the word for "desire" here is the same that is used when the Scripture speaks of Satan "desiring" to have us. The ESV Study Bible notes that "for your husband" could be translated "against your husband". It is a desire for power and authority, for control. Ladies, we are destined to struggle for power if we do not acknowledge that this is part of our curse, and repent of our desire to be in charge. When we feel as though we are naturally inclined to assume authority, we must seek ways to do this in a Godly, feminine way - by leading other women and children, by managing our homes with excellence, and by channeling this drive into our God-given roles in the church and in the world.

Men, I pray, step up into the difficult place of leadership. Return to the wisdom of the ages - respect us women, honor us, protect us and fight for us. Lead so that we don't have to. Women, in turn, let us allow men to do these things for us. It doesn't mean that we are the slightest bit incapable of doing these things for ourselves; rather, it is God's ordained way for us to bear His image rightly. In marriage, we portray the bride of Christ who has been chosen, pursued, and bought with a price. In the created order more broadly, we are the lovely crown of creation, created especially to give nurture and help, to offer our strengths in complement to those of Adam. Bear your feminine image proudly, women! By adorning ourselves with Godly femininity, we will encourage the men around us to grow in Godly masculinity.

And what could be better than that?

Too Much Skin...Or Heart?

I greatly appreciated this article on modesty that appeared recently on the Next webzine. I'm unfamiliar with Next as a whole, but they seem to be affiliated with Joshua Harris and Sovereign Grace Ministries. The vision of Next is to "gather worshipers of Christ who burn with a passion to see the gospel transferred to the next generation."

So the article on modesty.

Lydia Brownback touches on the obvious need for physical modesty as the summer season approaches. But she lingers there only briefly, highlighting the latter end of the modesty passage in 1 Peter:

3 Do not let your adorning be external—the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear— 4 but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God's sight is very precious. [1 Peter 3:3-4]

Brownback's emphasis on a gentle and quiet spirit illuminates an entirely different angle on modesty. She links "a gentle and quiet spirit" with discretion in revealing ourselves to others on an emotional level. The article is geared toward single women, and Brownback cautions singles against forming close friendships with single men without any sort of commitment. Pouring out our inner struggles and feelings to another person inevitably forms a bond, but if that bond is formed in the wrong context - either in the absence of commitment, or when the person is committed to someone else - pain will ensue.

Too few Christians grasp this idea of emotional modesty. I know I haven't always prioritized it as I should. We think it is ideal to be honest and authentic with one another. And this is true in the right context, among mature, trusted believers of the same gender. Yet we ought to exercise discretion not only for the protection of our own hearts, but for the protection of others' hearts as well. Opportunities abound for us to develop friendships with members of the opposite sex, particularly in the church and for those in graduate school where we often collaborate on projects and presentations. Brownback points out that most married men spend more waking hours with their coworkers than with their own wives. This should caution us to be very careful of our interactions and of the bonds we form with other people's spouses.

As a married woman, I have the greatest respect for the men in my life who exercise great discretion and display high regard for my marriage, as well as for their own. There is a noticeable difference between those men who treat me as a married woman, and those men who treat me as just another friend. My natural inclination is to feel comfortable in friendships with males, but the Lord has been gracious to show me through Scripture that my heart (inclusive of my thoughts, feelings, reflections, and struggles) is reserved for Him and my husband.

Men and women, married and single, should take heed of Brownback's exhortation to modesty. For us women, let our adornment come from a gentle and quiet spirit, exercising discretion in what we reveal of ourselves both physically and emotionally. Let us encourage our sisters to likewise protect their bodies and hearts with modesty. To you men, please respect the women in your life, and draw boundaries where there ought to be modesty and discretion. As men, you carry the burden of headship and must be careful to protect your own wife and marriage; but do not forget to exercise due diligence for the hearts of other men's wives. Encourage your wife to be modest in attire and expression, and hold her accountable. Encourage your male friends to be aware of modesty as well, and to be careful of their interactions with women. This is not to foster division between the sexes, but rather to nurture appropriate relationships between them.

If you haven't already, read the whole article. You might find yourself nodding in agreement. Or, you just might find yourself nudged out of your comfort zone, convicted in some area of immodesty and in need of some tighter boundaries. I hope, either way, that you are motivated to reflect deeply on the idea of emotional modesty, and what it means to be adorned with a gentle and quiet spirit.

Big Rocks, Little Rocks?

Perhaps you're familiar with the illustration:

Your life is like a mason jar, and you fill it with rocks each day. Some rocks are large, some are medium-sized, and then there are the pebbles and sand that fill in the gaps. If you fill the jar with the smaller things first, then before you know it your large rocks will be crowded out and your priorities will be all out of whack. But if you carefully choose which large rocks to make space for first, and add smaller rocks and pebbles afterward, your days will have space for everything you hope to accomplish and your life will reflect the satisfaction of thoughtfully-ordered priorities.

In a perfect world, that is.

So I've decided that I'd like to be more intentional about my life. There are a few things I try to do each day, like spend time with the Lord and with my husband. But I am far too lax when it comes to where my hours go on a regular basis. Even with the best of intentions, I find my days and weeks slipping away and wonder why I haven't done anything on this vague mental to-do list of life goals?

Incidentally, I blame your blog. Yes, yours. It is a time drain in the great sink of my life.

To be fair, I also blame my blog. If your blog is the time drain, mine is the disposal.

But this is my point: without conscious thought as to my priorities, I am not doing many things that I wish I were doing. Little things, like: I have a cousin who recently told me that she drinks a cup of mint tea every. single. morning. because it helps start her day all refreshed and relaxed. She's 13. I am twenty-[mumble] and my days begin however they happen to begin.

I also recently stumbled across the following question: If your life were perfect, what would it look like?

And that got me thinking.

Aside from the obvious ceasing of sin and perfect unity with God and others, what would my ideal life look like? What are my "big rocks"? What things occupy "big rock" time when they ought to be mere pebbles?

So yesterday I sat down and drafted a core vision for my life. I listed out my daily "big rocks", my weekly goals, and things I don't want to go a month without. It felt a bit "weekend retreat", and a little strange to do it on my own just because, but it was surprisingly fruitful! I'll spare you all the details, but I hope to keep the list in front of me on a regular basis to ensure that I'm pursuing the things I've determined are important. I also hope to pray over the list and refine it, adding and tweaking when appropriate and as needs arise.

It's nothing earth-shattering, but I hope it will keep me accountable to myself, in a sense. It won't replace the daily grind of school and housework, but I pray it will enhance my day-to-day life as I move forward with one eye on the big picture. Many of my goals revolve around ways to strengthen relationships, improve my health, and generally be more intentional about my choices. In this way, I hope to multiply opportunities for the Lord to use me to edify others and glorify Himself.

A few highlights from my list:
Waking up early every morning to make breakfast for Joel and me to enjoy together before we head off into our respective days.
Getting some outdoor exercise at least a few times a week.
Sending "real mail" to important people in my life - a simple card or note - once a week or so.
Setting some kind of personal goal(s) every month, whether it's an idea for a fun date with Joel, a project I'd like to do around the house, or something totally different.

What do you think? Did it take me long enough to catch on to this? What are your "big rocks" and what would you like to make more room for in your jar? Do you want to know whether I adhere to this thing?

A Beaver Cleaver Kind of Life

It has been far too long since I blessed you with the inner workings of my brain. Loyal fans, I have heard your cries. I hope you will not be too disappointed as you read on.

Summer break (post-comps, that is - which you know all too well that I passed) has brought with it a steady stream of visitors to our door. We've had the pleasure of hosting the Hardiskys, an Aitken, the Wallins, Steele parents, Pearces (& Jonny the Donut Fiend), Kayes, and soon the Pearce parents. The Lord is, shall we say, increasing the gift of hospitality in our home. And it is upon this topic - and domesticity as a whole - that I wish to elaborate.

So. Here I am commencing my fourth year of a five-year doctoral program, and what is the longing of my heart? Is it for graduation, with a 2' x 3' diploma and full regalia to show for five years and $85,000(ish) (and that's just tuition)? Okay, a little bit. Is it for the launch of a successful career as a psychologist and more than doubling our income so we can pay off this mountain of debt? Well yeah, that too.

But overwhelmingly the actual desire of my true heart is to wash my hands of all this career stuff and devote myself to wifeliness and motherhood. Where do I see myself in ten years? Let's just say the ideal vision involves a frilly apron, dinner in the oven, and at least three orderly, well-behaved little ones quizzing each other on the Catechism for Young Children.

SIGH.

Did I mention, SIGH?

Oh I'm glad that I'm pursuing this higher education stuff. And it's not that I want out because it's so stressful (although it surely is). I fully intend to finish out this grueling ride called graduate school. It will be good to have a vocation post-children, something to fill my time and provide extra income as the children get older. But contrary to most other people, even women, in my program, I cannot convince myself to be as uber-competitive and cutthroat because it's really not the most important thingin my life. I'm so ambivalent about the priority of school - I do want to finish the program in as little time as possible to be done with it, which means I need to be competitive and competent to match for internship, which means school and clinical opportunities need to be a priority...but then, I would SO much rather be done with it now and start a family.

Did I say that?

Something else that didn't help was having a group of ladies over last week to watch Sense and Sensibility while sipping tea and munching on scones and other delectables. Spending several hours surrounded by that much estrogen and immersed in a time when beautiful women kept house, tended garden, and were protected and rescued by gallant men who knew the meaning of chivalry...it has ruined me for the 00's (the current ones) and its expectation for women to aspire to be....men.

We touched on this at our marriage Bible study (as mom would say, "marriage B.S.") last night, which focused on the Biblical role and purpose for women. This was a great study and might be the topic of a future post (since I am on a domesticity kick, after all). But it highlighted what is broken about our view of women today - we have such a low view of femininity that we expect women to aspire to masculinity instead.

But I am realizing that I desire to be a woman. My priority is my home; I love my husband and eagerly anticipate our future children. I am competent and ambitious, but I am learning that those qualities can and should be channeled first toward managing our household. I'll talk more about femininity and womanhood in another post, but suffice it to say that these are what I was created for. Old-fashioned? Perhaps. But it is God who fashioned women so, even if it took me til now to discern His intention and purpose for us. I'm not sure you can really criticize that.